She Comes First Summary (P2 C35 - 40): Preorgasm

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To many men, the female orgasm is a mystery. Some even fail to recognize it as it’s happening.

But the truth is, a woman’s body offers plenty of visible signs leading up to climax—you just need to tune in to her process of sexual response.

According to Jolan Chang in The Tao of Love and Sex, these are some of the physical and behavioral cues that signal a woman is becoming deeply aroused:

• Her breathing becomes rapid, and her voice may shake uncontrollably.

• She closes her eyes, her nostrils flare, and words become harder to form.

• She fixes her gaze intently on her partner.

• Her ears flush red, her face turns warm, while the tip of her tongue cools slightly.

• Her hands feel hot, her abdomen warms, and her speech becomes almost unintelligible.

• Her expression appears entranced, her body turns soft and pliable, and her limbs relax.

• The moisture under her tongue dries up as she presses her body closer.

• The pulses of her vulva become noticeable, and her secretions begin to flow.

For those practicing cunnilingus, you get the best view of all.

When you notice her inner labia darkening in color, gaining a deeper luster, and her clitoral head retracting beneath its hood, there’s a strong chance she’s within 90 seconds of climax.

At this stage, many men get overly excited—and what started as focused cunnilingus can suddenly turn into chaotic, rushed movements. Avoid this at all costs.

Instead, stay calm and play it cool. Use smaller, lighter tongue strokes to build even more tension right before orgasm. Think of it as ending the way you began—with a little teasing.

Here are a few playful variations you can try:

• If you’re licking her with steady vertical strokes, skip one occasionally. For example: 1-2-3-4, 1-2-skip-4 or 1-skip-2-skip, 1-skip-2-skip.

• Mix in a horizontal swipe amid your vertical rhythm.

• Switch between using the flat of your tongue and the tip.

• Channel your inner frog—“catch” her clitoral head with a playful flick.

One of the greatest challenges during the pre-orgasm phase is keeping her clitoris steadily against your mouth. Here’s how to help:

• Use one hand under her buttocks and the other inside her vaginal entrance to hold her in place.

• Bring her legs as close together as possible. This position makes it easier for her pelvic muscles to slip into involuntary spasms. If her legs are too wide apart, orgasm may actually be harder to reach.

• The most effective way is often to push her legs together, insert your fingers with one hand, support her with the other, and straddle her legs with your body weight to maintain closeness.

• If you need extra help keeping her legs together, you can use a soft tie, like a necktie, to gently bind her ankles.

One of the biggest complaints women share about oral sex is that their partner is too fast and rough. Often this happens because he thinks increasing speed will bring her to orgasm more quickly.

Don’t do this. Going faster doesn’t help—it often backfires.

In fact, the last thing you want to do is give her the impression you’re rushing. Many women already worry they’re “taking too long” to climax. Reassure her with this truth: She has all the time in the world.

If you want to help her reach climax more quickly, focus on foreplay. The more aroused she is before you begin core play, the smoother and faster her path to orgasm will be.

Over time, as you get to know her unique responses, you’ll learn exactly what techniques work best. That knowledge only comes with time, patience, and genuine dedication.

Anal play can directly enhance sexual arousal. The anus and clitoris are connected through shared nerve pathways, and during orgasm, the anal sphincter contracts along with the pelvic muscles.

But just like everything else we’ve covered, remember: anal play is about gentle stimulation, not penetration.

• Lightly graze her anus with your fingertip, then slowly insert just the tip. She’ll naturally tighten her sphincter around your finger—hold this position through her orgasm.

• In most cases, natural lubrication from the vulva will reach the anus, but it’s wise to have extra lubricant on hand.

• Never use the same finger for both vaginal and anal play, as the anus contains bacteria. A good option is the thumb of the hand supporting her buttocks, or alternatively, the pinkie or ring finger of the hand providing manual stimulation.

• If it’s her first time, spend extra time teasing the area and give her clear, gentle cues before you enter. If she resists or objects, respect her boundaries and pull back immediately.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a woman may not be able to orgasm through cunnilingus. This can happen for several reasons:

• She believes intercourse is the “proper” or only way a woman should climax.

• She feels uncomfortable with the idea of cumming in your mouth.

• She hasn’t yet “trained” her body to orgasm in this way.

Let’s focus on the last one.

Most women “wire” themselves to orgasm through masturbation, and then settle for the often inconsistent results of intercourse. Since many men never take women fully through the process with their tongue, some women may not be naturally wired to orgasm from cunnilingus.

The solution?

Reassurance and patience. Encourage her to relax into the experience. Let her know you want her to climax this way—and that you genuinely enjoy it. 

To change this wiring, reassure her and let her relax into the process. Let her know that you want her to cum in this manner and that you enjoy it.

If she still insists on sexual intercouse, make the transition as smooth as possible so you don’t lose the rhythm.

Read the next chapter here.

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